I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
