u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
