Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
