she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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