I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
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It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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