I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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