I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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