i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
