I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
