Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
