i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
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What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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