Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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