Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
