Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
