this beer tastes like vomit already
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
