just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
