Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
