I looked at my own cervix.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
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How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
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He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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