a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
