I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
