nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
