Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
