i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
