he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
