He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
