Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
