Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You ruined the universe
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
