I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i wish my penis had a tongue
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
