There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Hippo gnu deer
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
