he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
