brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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