I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
