Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED