The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going