Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
is wine microwaveable?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
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