Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
