Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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