Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
