This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
