Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
