why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
there is glitter all over my balls
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
