It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
