i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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