i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
