and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
