I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
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