Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
