i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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