If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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