I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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