Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
