last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
