So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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