He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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