Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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