it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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