It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
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