kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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