Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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