Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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